Month: September 2008

7 Reasons Why You Might Lie to Your Partner

By Richard Nicastro, psychologist and relationship coach

Most people lie to their partners or spouses at least occasionally. Since lying (especially when it becomes habitual) can have such a detrimental impact on your relationship, it’s important to understand the reasons why you might lie and how to overcome the need to lie.

7 reasons why lying can creep into your relationship:
1). Self-esteem lies.
Some people lie to bolster feelings of self-importance. In this case you might lie to your partner about your achievements and accomplishments. Your goal is to look good in the eyes of your partner (and others). At its extreme, deep-seated feelings of inadequacy can lead you to become a chronic liar.
2).Avoidance lies.
The motivation for this type of lie is to avoid your partner’s reaction– such as disappointment or anger. You may feel that it’s easier to lie rather than experience/endure your partner’s emotional reaction. You may be someone who has considerable difficulty tolerating any perceived negative reaction. At its worst, your deceit is self-serving and hides relationship-damaging behaviors (e.g., an affair).
3).Self-denial lies.
People lie to themselves all the time. It’s a form of denial–refusing to accept a reality that is too painful. All you have to do is watch American Idol to realize that this kind of self-deception is alive and well. People with absolutely no vocal ability refuse to accept the judges’ critical (and often harsh) feedback. Instead, they proclaim that they are excellent singers and will someday be wildly famous. Self-denial lies stand in the way of the openness needed for intimacy to grow in your relationship.
4).Hide-and-Seek lies.
The impetus here is to hide parts of yourself from the world. Painful life experiences have caused you to feel unworthy of love to such a degree that you feel it is necessary to lie about yourself or your experiences. When you feel exposed, feelings of shame overcome you and act as a powerful motivator to hide from others (including your partner).
5).Saving-Face lies.
While closely related to avoidance lies, saving-face lies are created to help you cover up your original lie. When it starts to become apparent to your spouse or partner that you’ve lied, you concoct a web of more lies to avoid the embarrassment and repercussions of having lied in the first place. This is one reason lies can quickly multiply.
6).The Compassionate lie.
Sometimes the motivation to lie is altruistic–you don’t want your partner to get hurt. In this instance, you’re not protecting your partner from something that you’ve done that might be hurtful to him/her. Rather, you’re trying to shield your partner from something you discovered (e.g., you overheard a neighbor say he doesn’t like your wife) or an opinion that you believe would be upsetting (your wife asks if you like her new haircut and despite her uncanny resemblance to one of the Three Stooges, you respond with a definitive, “I love it!”).
7).The Spiteful lie.
In this case lies are used as weapons to hurt someone. Schoolchildren often do this, fabricating rumors that are designed to put down others. In social settings such as school this is sometimes done to ostracize someone from a peer group while solidifying the liar’s position in the group.
When this occurs in a marriage or relationship, it’s usually when anger is at an all-time high or the relationship is being dissolved. It’s less common for this type of lie to occur while the couple is committed to a future together, although some couples do report “fighting dirty” and saying hurtful, untrue things while they argue.
If you’ve lied to your partner recently, feel the urge to lie, or if lying has been a problem for you in general, begin to question your motivation for spinning these tales. Check your reasons with the list above to gain further clarity. It’s obviously best that your relationship be built on a foundation of honesty.
Honesty is the backbone of trust–once trust is compromised, your relationship can begin to spiral out of control. But the reality is that many partners do end up lying to one another, and while your motivation to lie might be benign, lies seem to have a viral-like capacity to spread. Have you ever noticed that once you’ve gotten away with a lie or two, it seems to get easier to lie in the future?
Be aware of that fact and of the reasons you may lie, and you take the first important steps toward a healthier, more honest relationship.

Thriving After a Breakup (A Lesbian Review)

By Judy Kinney

How to Deliberately Create Your Life After Your Relationship Changes

The Law of Attraction is a phenomenally powerful resource that is available to ALL of us! You may have seen the movies, “The Secret”, and “What the Bleep”, that helped popularize the Law of Attraction concepts that, our thoughts create our reality. This article explores how your answers to three questions can guide you to increased sense of peace and freedom after your relationship with a lover or partner changes.

Let’s start with a quick review of how the Law of Attraction works.

Everything within the universe is comprised of energy.

Energy interacts dynamically with itself, and like a magnet, attracts that which is similar. In practical terms, the universe is always agreeing with you and the thoughts and feelings you radiate. The formula for deliberate creation is simple:

Your Desire + Your Energy Alignment = The Life You Desire

Your ongoing answers to three essential questions can tap into your desires and support your energy alignment after your break up.

  • What do I want?

A key point of the Law of Attraction is that whatever you focus on expands. Since focusing on what you like brings more of it to your life, feel free to dive into your desires.Yes, begin with what you want.
It is our nature to continually notice and evolve toward our desires. So, please, don’t be shy!!! Let your self be clear about what you like AND thankful for what you have. Learn to welcome the notion that your approach to life, break up, love, romance, and dating is uniquely yours.
To tap your desires, simply make a list of what you want. What do you want this very second, and in the future? Write it ALL down, and update it regularly. Remember, this is a list of what you want, not a list of what you don’t want. How will you feel when you have what you want? Integrate these feelings into your daily life through activities, visioning, and journaling.

  • What will bring relief?

The universe responds well to relief because it is free of resistance. As mentioned above, whatever you focus on expands, so resistance will only bring your more resistance.Additionally, your soul knows that you are a naturally happy, joyous, generous, and expanding being who also knows how to heal. As you take steps that feel good and bring relief, you are also tapping into your true self. This means that you get to trust what feels good to you, especially during tender and challenging times!

  • What if this is the most perfect place and time in my life?

I love this question! Asking yourself this question can support, or inspire you to become the protagonist in your own life. Look around and really notice what’s going well and what you’re enjoying. The universe can only agree and give you more of what’s going well. Yes, you will also notice a few things that you want to be different. But, the adjustments are much easier to make from the relaxed and inspired place this question arouses.

How to use these questions.
These questions are simple, yet profound guides toward your ever expanding self. The first question is all about desire, while the second and third questions relate to your alignment with your desires. Since transitioning out of a relationship is a journey, your answers to these questions at one time in your life might take you to one level of insight. As you continue to take action that supports your answers to these questions, you’ll tap deeper into the peace and freedom found in your core self.

Ask these questions often, especially at the beginning and end of your day. At the beginning of your day, you’ll be setting your intentions for how you want the day to be. At the end of the day, notice and appreciate how well you integrated the answers to these questions in your life.

Enjoy, and may you always flourish. . ..

Judy Kinney is the creator of Dream and Flourish LLC, a coaching resource for lesbian, bi and queer women who are ready for love, like they know it can be.

http://lesbiansanddating.blogspot.com/ for other interesting posts

Gays in Cameroon, and we thought we had it bad

By Eric Beauchemin

In Cameroon, homosexual acts are punishable by up to five years in prison and/or a fine. Over 30 people have been arrested in Cameroon over the past two years on charges of homosexuality. The number may sound small for a country of 16 million people, but the arrests have created tremendous fear among the Central African nation’s gays.

logo for the LGBT group in Cameroon who helped to secure his release
One of the men who recently served time for being gay is 22-year-old Lorenzo. In September of last year, two policemen arrested him at the beauty salon where he worked and told him he was being charged with embezzlement.

He recounts:
“They took me to the police station, and it was there that I discovered that I hadn’t been arrested for embezzlement but for statutory rape and homosexuality. I was dumbfounded. I didn’t know what to do. And then they threw me and five other guys who were also gay in prison. We weren’t tried and I was never sentenced. We were just put in prison as if we were wild animals.”
Prison lifeLorenzo and the other five men spent a total of seven months in jail. They were all in the same cell and were rarely allowed out. Everyone in the prison, both the guards and the inmates, knew they were gay.
“Some of the prisoners called us ugly women and faggots all the time. They’d say you shouldn’t be alive. They’d hit us and throw water at us. We were tortured. They tried to rape us. We couldn’t leave our cell to get fresh air because we were afraid the big boys would threaten and hurt us. Some of the guards would make fun of us too. They thought we deserved to go to hell. We really couldn’t leave our cell. It was like being in a prison within a prison.”
A free man? When Lorenzo was released, he had no money and nowhere to go. He moved back in with his mother and brothers and sisters. They only discovered that he was gay when he was jailed. “My relationship with my family now is difficult.

They watch me closely. They don’t accept it when my friends come to visit me at home. My mother says they’re all gay, even though some of them aren’t. She thinks I’m possessed. Every day she calls me a homosexual. I feel rejected. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m really at my wits end. I have to start my life again from zero. I have nothing and I have no one to help me.”

Lorenzo, a gay man from Cameroon >>>>>>>>

Nations pledge to support gay rights at UN meeting (Jamaica Not Present it seems)

Several countries have responded positively to recommendations on gay rights at the 8th session of the UN Human Rights Council.
During the session Ireland and Slovenia expressed concern at the maintenance of the death penalty for homosexuality in Iran and criticised Nigeria for failing to follow up on recommendations to repeal the death penalty for consensual sexual conduct.
“In reply, Nigeria stated that no executions have taken place, and asserted that the maximum penalty for consensual same-sex sexual conduct between adults is 14 years’ imprisonment,” according to a recent report on the June session from LGBT rights group ARC International.
Ecuador, the Czech Republic and Japan were among nations that accepted recommendations to further address discrimination on grounds of sexual orientation and gender identity,
However, the Ukraine said they would not apply the Yogyakarta Principles as a guide to assist in policy development.
The principles were adopted by a meeting of experts in international law in Yogyakarta, Indonesia in 2006.
They set out a legal standard for how governments and other agencies should end violence, abuse and discrimination against sexual minorities.
Switzerland rejected a proposals that federal legislation be introduced to prohibit discrimination, including on grounds of sexual orientation and gender identity, that the Yogyakarta Principles be applied to enhance the Government’s commitment to non-discrimination, and that the rights accorded to same-sex couples be equivalent to those accorded to opposite-sex couples.
Benin rejected calls to decriminalise homosexuality.
Zambia said it would not to decriminalise same-sex activity between consenting adults or develop HIV/AIDS programmes to respond to the needs of sexually-active gay men.
Egypt said killings based on sexual orientation do not warrant the same degree of attention or concern as killings based on race.
Pakistan rejected calls to decriminalise adultery and non-marital consensual sex, claiming the recommendations fall outside “universally recognised human rights.”
However, there were positive commitments from some EU nations.
Romania agreed to develop awareness-raising programmes, including for law enforcement personnel, to promote respect for persons of minority sexual orientations or gender identities, to punish ill-treatment of sexual minorities in detention, to take additional measures to combat discrimination on grounds of sexual orientation and gender identity, and to protect the rights of LGBT activists to participate in peaceful public gatherings, such as the GayFest.
Poland accepted recommendations to adopt an anti-discrimination law, including on grounds of sexual orientation and gender identity, to withdraw any restrictions on addressing issues of homosexuality within educational establishments, and to ensure respect for the freedom of expression and association of those campaigning for equality on grounds of sexual orientation.
The UK agreed to follow the Council of the European Union Asylum Qualification Directive with regard to sexual orientation as grounds for seeking asylum.

Babi Watch


As you might have realised we have been following this asylum case closely in a bid to show you the rigors of asylum seeking that can occur, even a high profile case such as this proves that there are no guarantees as many of you here in Jamaica would like to believe, it is not as easy as it looks people!!

(Babi pictured on the left) was deported despite protests from various quarters.
Click his image to see the latest update from NoBordersWales’ blog, they even sited us as well, wonderful work guys!! and thanx for the recognition.
“Babi sought asylum in the UK in 2006 following years of persecution because of his sexuality. His brothers on finding out that he was gay had threatened to kill him, with one attack from his eldest brother leaving him with only eight teeth……” CONTINUE HERE
I am sure they, NoBorders will keep us abreast of his sujourns.
We are praying for him.
Peace.

Gay leader assassinated in Baghdad

A leading gay activist in Iraq has been assassinated. 27 year old Bashar was targeted by gunmen yesterday.
He was one of the organisers of safe houses for gay men in Baghdad and was co-ordinator of Iraqi LGBT in the city.
Peter Tatchell of LGBT human rights group OutRage! said:
“On 25th September, I received the sad news from Iraq that the coordinator of Iraqi LGBT in Baghdad, Bashar, aged 27, a university student, was assassinated in a barber shop.
“Militias burst in and sprayed his body with bullets at point blank range.
“He was the organiser of the safe houses for gays and lesbians in Baghdad. His efforts saved the lives of dozens of people.
“Bashar was a kind, generous and extremely brave young man – a true hero who put his life on the line to save the lives of others.
“My thoughts go out to his loved ones and to the other members of Iraqi LGBT.
“Their courage is an inspiration to all people everywhere fighting against tyranny and injustice,” said Mr Tatchell.
A UN report in 2007 highlighted attacks on gays by militants and religious courts, supervised by clerics, where homosexuals allegedly would be ‘tried,’ ‘sentenced’ to death and then executed.”Violence against gays has intensified sharply since late 2005, when Iraq’s leading Shiite Muslim cleric, Grand Ayatollah Ali al-Sistani, issued a fatwa, or religious decree, which declared that gays and lesbians should be ‘killed in the worst, most severe way possible,” said Alli HIli of Iraqi LGBT.
“Since then, LGBT people have been specifically targeted by the Madhi Army, the militia of fundamentalist Shia cleric, Muqtada al-Sadr, as well as by the Badr organisation and other Shia death squads.
“Badr is the military arm of the Supreme Council for Islamic Revolution in Iraq, which is one of the leading political forces in Baghdad’s western-backed ruling coalition,” said Mr Hili.
While homosexuality is in itself not illegal in Iraq, several laws are used to persecute gay people.
Laws against loitering, indecent exposure, spreading “dangerous diseases,” committing and indecent act in public and making “indecent” advances are all used.
However, of much more pressing threat to gay Iraqis are the actions of militia groups.

Bosnia gay festival closes after attacks at opening event

The organisers of a Queer Festival in Sarajevo have decided to close after some participants were attacked by an angry mob last night.
“We cannot guarantee the safety of visitors,” organiser Svetlana Djurkovic told Reuters.
“The festival is closing down.”
It was the first gay festival in Bosnia and was due to end on Saturday.
At the opening event in a Sarajevo art gallery last night, attended by 250 people, a gang of 70 men threw stones and shouted homophobic slogans.
They were driven back by police, but returned as people were leaving and beat them. Some of the victims were dragged from their cars.
Five men will face charges.
Posters appeared on the streets of Sarajevo earlier this month proclaiming “Death To Gays” and imams have spoken out against the festival, claiming that homosexuality is immoral and contrary to the Koran.
Today MEPs criticised the violence in Bosnia and reminded the country that respect for LGBT rights is a requirement of countries seeking EU membership.

Iranian President attacks US acceptance of homosexuality

The President of Iran has admitted in an interview that there may be “a few” gay people in his country, but attacked homosexuality as destructive to society.
In an interview with US current affairs TV programme Democracy Now, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad also rejected criticism of the execution of children in Iran.
During his last visit to the US a year ago he said in reply to a question posed about homosexuality during his speech at New York’s Columbia University:
“In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country… In Iran we do not have this phenomenon, I don’t know who has told you that we have it.”
In his TV interview yesterday he condemned American acceptance of gay people.
“It should be of no pride to American society to say they defend something like this,” President Ahmadinejad said.
“Just because some people want to get votes, they are willing to overlook every morality.”
Iranian human rights campaigners estimate that 4,000 gay men have been executed since the Islamic revolution in 1979.
Under Sharia law gay sex illegal, with penalty of death for offenders as young as 14 years old.
The vast majority of executions of juvenile offenders worldwide take place in Iran, where judges can impose the death penalty in capital cases if the defendant has attained “majority,” defined in Iranian law as 9 years for girls and 15 years for boys, says Human Rights Watch.
Iran is known to have executed six juvenile offenders so far in 2008. More than130 other juvenile offenders are currently sentenced to death.
In 2005 Iran sparked international outrage when it publicly executed two teenage boys.
Mahmoud Asgari and Ayaz Marhoni were hanged because according to the regime they were rapists, however gay campaigners insist the boys were killed under Sharia law for the crime of homosexuality.
At first it was claimed by Iranian officials that they were aged 18 and 19.
The best evidence is that both youths were aged 17 when they were executed and therefore minors, aged 15 or 16, at the time of their alleged crimes.
“The legal age in Iran is different from yours,” the President told Democracy Now when asked about executions of juveniles.
“If a person who happens to be 17 years old and 9 months kills one of your relatives, would you just overlook that?”
Mr Ahmadinejad was also unbowed by speculation that the US may take action against his country’s nuclear weapons programme.
“Mr. Bush is very interested to start a new war,” he said, but claimed Iran is “very capable of defending itself.
“We think there are enough wise people in this country to prevent unreasonable actions by the administration.”
Mr Ahmadinejad is in New York to attend the General Assembly of the United Nations.

Out of the closet – Ulla (South Africa)

I was about 21-ish, I think. I’d left South Africa for the UK with a long list of questions I needed answers for, including, since I was pretty sure I was gay – how the hell was I going to go about getting confirmation? Since everyday life never seemed to bring me an opportunity to sleep with a woman, I decided that a personal ad in London’s Time Out magazine was the way to go. I kept that ad for ages, wish I still had it. I said something about red wine and good conversation and intelligence and humour. It was a good investment, that ad … kept me in friends, lovers, admirers and stalkers for years. But that, as they say, is another story; quite a few other stories in fact. It brought me my first four month relationship with a woman. She was a few years younger than me, 6′ tall and a biker, with a pierced nose and an interesting hairstyle. I never told her I was a virgin.
A little while into the relationship and with the zeal of the newly-converted, I decided it was Time To Tell My Mother. Considering I pride myself on my honestly, I have to wonder why, at that stage, I needed to phone mother, 6000 miles away, but not tell anyone in the actual geographical area around me, when I’d already been there a year or so. Anyway, at the time I was also quite an accomplished drinker, so I travelled rather far down a bottle of Stolichnaya (they’re not sponsoring this story) fresh from the freezer, and dialed South Africa. I was drunk. When I’m drunk I’m excessively cheerful and I merrily said to my poor mother, “I’ve got something to tell you!” She asked what and I sniggered and told her to guess. She got it in two. First she asked if I was pregnant and then, over the sound of my guffaws, whether I was a lesbian.

It was a sobering moment and I just said yes. We spoke for a a short while afterwards and she impressed me by asking whether I had my own closet and if it was pink.
Apparently she cried a bit and spoke to my stepsister, who reassured her that I was still me and so forth. Apparently she surprised herself by suddenly and for the first time ever, being sorry that I might not have children (at 38 I still don’t and am sure I won’t). She was cool though and remains fairly cool, although too much talk of sexuality irritates her badly and we’ve had some heated debates about just why gay people have to be so “in your face” about it.
After that, my boss sussed me out, told friends she thought I was gay and eventually the job became untenable and I resigned. I was young and outraged and marched and bought t-shirts and proceeded to wrestle myself into my new identity with mostly positive results and reactions. I think in many ways it made me; it certainly gave me confidence.
I was thrilled when TLQ emailed about this project, as I’ve been collecting coming out stories too.