Doctor, I am a 32-year-old woman and I recently met a wonderful Jamaican man. But I would like your medical opinion about him. I am foreign by birth, but have lived here for several years.
He has now proposed to me, and we plan to get married later this year. We are talking about having three children, and having a marvellous life together. Sex with him is great, though he does not seem to want it as often as I do.
I am currently having a wonderful time making arrangements for the wedding, and inviting relatives, etc. He tries to help me, but he is very busy, particularly in the evenings.
What worries me is that he has quite a lot of male friends, who don’t appear all that friendly towards me. He was talking to one of them on thephone the other day, and I am almost sure that his friend made some sort of derogatory comment about me.
Also, I heard him say ‘I’m looking forward to being “down low” with you,’ or something like that. Later, when I asked him what ‘down low’ meant, he just laughed and would not tell me.
But my main concern is his lack of sex drive. Do you think I can help him increase it when we are married?
No, I do not. Women often think that marriage will somehow ‘change’ a man in some way, but it rarely does. Certainly, there is no likelihood that getting married will ‘pep up’ his sex drive, and make him more enthusiastic about having intercourse with you.
Another point that concerns me is this. You heard him use the phrase ‘down low’ to his male friend.
Presumably you are not aware of this, but in some parts of Jamaica, and indeed in the United States, the phrase ‘down low’ has a special meaning. It refers to the situation where a man marries a woman (or perhaps lives with her) in order to achieve ‘respectability’, but secretly sees other men for sex.
So ‘down low sex’ is a homosexual activity practised by a married man who is pretending to be heterosexual.
Now I do not wish to be unfair to your fiancé. It is just possible that he used the words ‘down low’ to mean something else. After all, those two words could refer to a meeting place that is further down a hill, or something like that.
But we must take into consideration the fact that he apparently doesn’t have much interest in having sex with you. Also, he seems to have a lot of male friends who don’t like you very much. And it sounds as though he spends his evenings with them. All of this appears to add up to potential trouble.
Therefore, I do not think you should go ahead with this wedding until the two of you have seen an experienced marriage counsellor. And maybe your first move should be to ask your fiancé to tell you honestly whether he is going in for ‘down low sex’.
This letter writer sounds too simplistic for me to be a real write-in query but be that as it maybe or not the media is at it again on gay issues since the recent Charter of Rights uproar and the ignoring of discrimination of sexual orientation coverage from the document which is to replace section three of the constitution.
The response seems guarded at first but the speculation that the male friends may be a problem in the future without any further particulars provided is too speculative for me, after all Jamaican men in general are homosocial, if she even had a problem such as what is purported here why would she write to a newspaper column about this just like that? couldn’t she have consulted her family and so on or a trusted friend or a private consultation?
I always doubt these letters as presented to us sometimes in the press with these simplistic queries that don’t add up in some cases and even more far out responses.
What you think?
Peace and tolerance